There are a WEIRD number of uncomfortable DeRosa close-ups on the internet.
A passing comment on Twitter has led to my next pet project. I’ve compiled a 25-man roster of the best bad Cubs of my time. Let me clarify a few things right off the bat. I looked at stats, but I really don’t care about your stats-based argument. This is supposed to be fun. Calm down. As you’ll see as the roster develops, personality wasn’t as big a factor as it was for the Bottom 126. However, watching a bad player play well as a Cub made generally made him pretty likeable. I’m starting with the bullpen, then I’ll do the bench, then the starting pitchers, and finally the starting eight. HERE is the roster so far.
I know, right? Mark DeRosa annoyed the shit out of me, too. But unlike every other super-utility player the Cubs have ever had, DeRosa was actually really good as a Cub. If it weren’t for the ridiculous fan adoration heaped upon him by bleacher dopes, DeRosa might have been one of the most well-liked, low-cost acquisitions of the Jim Hendry era. There is not much competition for that throne. DeRosa’s versatility in the field and downright competence at the plate as a Cub helped him claim the last bench spot on the Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time.
In case you failed to miss it the thousand times the booth broadcast it, DeRosa was an Ivy League kid from New Joisey! He graduated from the University of Pennsylvania after playing baseball and quarterbacking the football team, presumably because a school with quality football and baseball programs didn’t want him. He majored in business, so I guess it’s sort of like he graduated with a degree from an Ivy League school.
Wikipedia gives a weird amount of information about DeRosa’s college years. Apparently, the first frat he pledged had its charter revoked. What did Groucho Marx say? “I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.” So, yes, DeRosa was a frat boy, too. I’m sure that’s not helping quell the fire in your girlfriend’s or wife’s (or both’s) underpants.
DeRosa abandoned football in favor of baseball, and he was drafted by the Atlanta Braves in the 7th round of the 1996 amateur draft. He was crap in the minors, but the Braves weren’t exactly known for their hitting in the 1990s, so he was a September call-up in 1998. He made his MLB debut on September 2, 1998 against the visiting Houston Astros at Turner Field. The matchup saw Randy Johnson taking on Greg Maddux, which is fucking METAL. The Big Unit got the better of Mad Dog, however, as the Astros won 4-2. DeRosa pinch hit for Maddux and struck out swinging on four pitches.
DeRosa got only 442 plate appearances in his first five seasons with the Braves, but he put up a decent .288/.339/.403 line in that time. When the Braves gave him more playing time his final two seasons in Atlanta, however, he was garbage. His OPS+ dropped to 69, and he slugged only .350 in his final 633 plate appearances in Atlanta, so the Braves let him go.
DeRosa signed with the Texas Rangers and bounced back pretty well. Because the Rangers play in a bandbox. In two seasons in Texas, DeRosa hit .284/.350/.452 with 21 home runs and 94 RBIs. That was good enough for the Cubs to sign him prior to the 2007 season as a “super-utility guy.” If only. For all intents and purposes, DeRosa was the starting second baseman for the 2007 and 2008 Cubs. And you know what? That was actually sort of okay. In DeRosa’s first season in Chicago, he hit .293/.371/.420, all personal bests for him. He contributed 10 home runs and 72 RBIs to the Cubs’ first of back-to-back NL Central titles. The next year, he was even better. He hit .285/.376/.481 with 21 home runs and 87 RBIs. In Jim Hendry’s wildest dreams, DeRosa puts up those kind of numbers. And also has a doughnut for a head and shits Jimmy Dean sausage links.
The Cubs had the ABSOLUTE GALL to trade DeRosa to the Cleveland Indians after the 2008 season for Chris Archer, John Gaub, and Jeff Stevens. Cubs fans freaked out, because many of them are pinheads. DeRosa played respectable in 71 games for the Indians before they flipped him to the St. Louis Cardinals for Chris Perez and Jess Todd. If DeRosa’s time in Chicago wasn’t enough to convince you he should be on this team, how about his time in St. Louis? He was putrid, hitting .228/.291/.405 with 58 strikeouts against 18 walks in 68 games.
DeRosa signed with the San Francisco Giants prior to the 2010 season, and won a goddamn World Series with them, despite being awful for the Giants for two seasons. He spent most of the 2012 season on the disabled list, occasionally surfacing to play a game or two for the Washington Nationals. Last year, he did the same with the Toronto Blue Jays. In parts of sixteen seasons in the big leagues, DeRosa put up a .268/.339/.412 slash line. As a Cub? .289/.373/.451. As annoying as the unrequited DeRosa love was in Chicago, a lot of it was actually deserved.
Plus, his wife.
PAY ATTENTION, KIM DEJESUS.
Greatest Cub Moment: In early August of 2008, the Houston Astros were trying to play spoiler to Lou Piniella’s Cubs as they came into Wrigley Field for a three-game series. The Cubs lost the first game in embarrassing fashion, getting shut out 2-0 by the murderer’s throw of Brian Moehler, Tim Byrdak, Geoff Geary, and LaTroy Hawkins. Ryan Dempster lost that game, because Ryan Dempster is a goddamn turd. Over the course of the next two days, the Astros learned why some idiots made signs saying, “DE-RO IS MY HE-RO!!!” On August 5, the Cubs won 11-7 as DeRosa went 3-5 with two doubles and 3 RBIs, including 2 in the first to start the Cubs’ barrage. The next day, DeRosa went 2-5 with a run-scoring double and a grand slam as the Cubs jumped all over Brandon Backe for 11 runs in 3 1/3 innings. So what if Byrdak and Hawkins combined for another 4 2/3 of shutout baseball? The Cubs won 11-4. Jason Marquis recorded the win for the Cubs. God, was that really only five years ago that the Cubs were really good despite having Jason Marquis in the rotation?
Worst Moment as a Human: Hoo boy. The ground ball heard ’round the world came on October 6, 2007. If you recall (AND JESUS CHRIST I BET YOU ABSOLUTELY DO), the Cubs were down 0-2 to the Arizona Diamondbacks in the NLDS after a glove-slammin’ Ted Lilly lost Game Two. The Cubs sent Rich Hill to the mound for Game Three, and somehow we were sort of okay with that. Morbidly obese Livan Hernandez took the bump for the Diamondbacks, and he had a 3-1 lead in the bottom of the fifth inning. He worked himself into a jam, with three walks, and DeRosa stepped to the plate with bases loaded and only one out. Hernandez had thrown only two total strikes to the previous two batters he’d faced. He threw only one to DeRosa, who worked a 3-1 count. DeRosa, however, inexplicably swung at a 3-1 pitcher’s pitch. He rolled over on it, bouncing it harmlessly to short for a 6-4-3, rally-killing, inning-ending, series-ending double play. Everyone in Wrigley Field reverted to DOOOOOOM mode, the Cubs lost 5-1, and they were feebly swept for the first of two consecutive NLDS series.